sbl-preprint-2026.06969v1 · [q-lawn.DOM] · 24 Jul 2026 · peer review status: kinda

Preprint — SBL-2026-069 S. Boys et al.

On the Efficacy of Shirtless Landscaping: A Field Study in Total Yard Domination

S. Boys1*, A. Boy1, T. O. Boy1

1 Sexy Boys Lawn Services — Department of Applied Horticultural Aesthetics, SexyBoysLawn.com

* Correspondence: info@sexyboyslawn.com

Preprint. July 24, 2026. This manuscript has not been peer reviewed, kinda.

“Let us Dominate Your Yard”

— Get yourself a sexy boy…or two 😉

Abstract

Abstract—We report results from a multi-season field deployment of shirtless landscaping personnel (n = 3) across residential and commercial turf. Treatment plots exhibited domination outcomes at or above expectation. Our sexy boys will get the job done — no excuses, no shortcuts, no shirts…sometimes. Satisfaction, kinda guaranteed.1 Pricing and procurement protocols are provided in Table 1.

Keywords: lawn domination, shirtlessness, gardener musculature, satisfaction (partial), kinda.

Three shirtless landscapers posing arm-in-arm on a lawn at golden hour beside a zero-turn mower.
Figure 1: The complete experimental apparatus (n = 3), pictured arm-in-arm to control for camaraderie. A zero-turn control unit is visible at right.

1  Introduction

Prior work on residential turf management has, at best, achieved adequate yard status [1]. No published protocol has attempted total domination, nor accounted for crew attractiveness as an independent variable [2]. We introduce a shirtless-intervention protocol and report the first controlled field test of the Domination Hypothesis: that yard outcomes improve monotonically with crew attractiveness.

“The yard will be dominated. This is not optional.” — Lab mission statement, internal memo

Peer review of this manuscript is ongoing.2

2  Methods

Fieldwork was conducted during golden hour (18:00–20:00 local) across three residential and commercial sites (n = 3). Prior to deployment, personnel underwent a standardized shirt-removal procedure.3 Equipment consisted of one zero-turn mower, one backpack blower, and one steel rake, operated per the minimalist protocol described in [3]. No control group wore shirts, as no ethical shirted comparator could be recruited.

Shirtless landscaper kneeling with a rake beside a freshly striped lawn.
Figure 2: Specimen A demonstrating fertilization technique. Note the absence of shirt (p < 0.05).
Shirtless landscaper riding a zero-turn mower beside a stone wall.
Figure 3: Specimen B operating the mowing apparatus along a stone boundary wall. Stripe periodicity was consistent across all trials.

Statistical significance was assessed by looking. Effect sizes were large, and in the case of Specimen B, extremely large. All analyses were pre-registered on a napkin, which was subsequently lost.

3  Services & Pricing

The laboratory offers two standardized interventions; costs are summarized in Table 1.

Table 1: Standardized interventions and procurement costs. All amounts in USD. Satisfaction, kinda guaranteed (see §5).
Intervention Protocol summary Cost (USD) Procurement
Fertilizing & Weed control Subscribe & Save to one of our plans to have your lawn protected Subscribe & Save to one of our plans to have your lawn protected $75.00 Contact Us
Residential & Commercial Lawn mowing Mow, edge, blow.  Just what you need Mow, edge, blow.  Just what you need $40.00 Contact Us

4  Results

Across all specimens we observe Eq. (1). Variance was drastic (Fig. 4). No further statistical analysis was attempted, or needed [4].

Gardener Muscles Vary...drastically...(1)

Three shirtless landscapers loading leaf blowers onto a black mesh trailer stenciled with the Sexy Boys Lawn Services palm-tree logo.
Figure 4: Field deployment of the instrumentation trailer. Logo placement was found to be significant (p = 0.069).

5  Conclusion

We conclude that shirtless deployment reliably dominates residential and commercial turf alike. The following result is stated formally.

Theorem 1 (Guarantee, informal). Satisfaction, kinda guaranteed.

Proof sketch. Our sexy boys will get the job done — no excuses, no shortcuts, no shirts…sometimes.

We recommend shirtless deployment as standard practice for future yard-domination studies; materials availability follows.

Availability of Materials

Contact Us

The authors will respond promptly, shirtless-ness not guaranteed either.

¹ Guarantee strength: kinda. See Theorem 1. ↩

² Peer review status: kinda. One reviewer said “nice.” ↩

³ Shirts were available throughout the study. Requests received: 0. ↩

References

  1. [1] S. Boys, A. Boy, and T. O. Boy, “Let us dominate your yard: a position paper,” J. Appl. Lawn Domination, vol. 69, no. 1, pp. 1–4, 2026. doi:10.6969/jald.2026.001
  2. [2] A. Boy, “Golden hour as a confounding variable in curb-appeal research,” in Proc. 12th Intl. Conf. on Shirtless Horticulture (ICSH), pp. 420–421, 2025.
  3. [3] T. O. Boy, “Mow, edge, blow: a minimalist protocol,” Turf & Torso Quarterly, vol. 4, no. 2, pp. 12–13, 2025.
  4. [4] S. Boys, “On the drastic variance of gardener musculature,” Ann. Improbable Landscaping, vol. 7, pp. 55–58, 2024.
  5. [5] Reviewer 2, “nice,” personal communication, 2026.